Suicide. I hate the word. I hate the thought. I would never commit the act myself. It saddens me when I hear of people that feel that's the only way out of their troubles. If I'm honest, I have always thought, "How bad could things be for someone to feel that suicide is the only answer?" Until earlier this year that is. Throughout the whole ordeal that I have been dealing with with my parents, I've been able to keep my chin up, or so I thought. In May, for wahtever reasons (I'm still not 100% sure what the trigger was) I found myself thinking that maybe life would just be better if I wasn't here. I've never found myself in that place before. I've always been able to handle my issues, eventually, but never have I been there before.
It's not an enjoyable place to be....at all. I don't enjoy the thoughts that are in your brain when you're in that place. I know for me I feel, at times. that my trying to deal with my situation and the feelings that have come up because of it, are too much for my friends. I feel that they did not sign up for all of this. That it's too much for them. Maybe this was a contributing factor to it all. I'm still not sure. I know, though, that I was scared that those thoughts even popped into my head. I was scared at thr ramifications the thoughts held. Would my friends still want to be friends with me? Would they still love me? Would they be nervous to be around me knowing that I've felt this way before? I am so happy to say that of all the friends I have privately shared this with, not a single one has left me. Not a single friend has spoken ill of me. They have all been so encouraging and loving. They have all loved me through it. I am sure that they don't understand even part of it, but they haven't left me.
If anyone is reading this, I hope that I can to some degree encourage you. I hope that you can find a way to speak with someone. I hope that you can find a hotline to call and talk to someone. I hope that you understand that I am not telling you things will be fixed with one phone call. I'm not going to lie, its not easy at all. But, if you're willing, you can begin to work through it all. Suicide is not the solution. It does not fix things. So many people are hurt by your actions. Think about the people you love, that love you, you're leaving behind. They love you, they want to help you and probably don't realize you're hurting the way you are. Talk to soemone!
Thankful Thing:
I've got one Thankful Thing today. I am so thankful for my friends. I am so thankful that they love me despite my issues. They have proven unconditional love to me at times when my family hasn't. Without my friends, I don't know what I would do to get through each day. I don't know how I could cope with each new thing that comes up, each new feeling that shows itself. They are so priceless! I wouldn't want to put a price on them even if I had to. Everyone is biased to their own friends, but mine truly are the best!
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