I have been struggling with depression for almost a year now. I have hit what I thought was the bottom several times. There has even been a time when I thought that it would be better if I wasn't around. Mind you, I would never go that route and it scared the living tar out of me when I thought it. Let me give you some background. I am 32 years old and am a recent "re-transplant" to the Dallas area. I lived here for seven years from 2001-2008. I taught 3rd grade and loved it. However, my grandmother was very very sick and I needed a break from teaching. I moved back to St. Louis and back into my parents' house for these reasons. My grandmother passed the January after I moved back to the Lou. Six months later, my world as I knew it crumbled around me. I found out that my family was essentially poor. We hadn't ever been wealthy by any stretch of the imagination, I don't mean to mislead you. However, all the money (and then some it seems) had been gambled away. Long story short, pure hell followed in the wake of this information being revealed. After that came the manipulation and more lies. It all became too much for me. At the advice of good friends, I moved into an apartment and attempted to live life with my family on the verge of the dreaded "D" word. No, not Dallas, diva, or dodo-head. Divorce. I grew up being taught that this was not right, and still hold to the idea that there are very few circumstances that constitute divorce. This was the ever looming threat in my family. Stressful is maybe a light term for what I felt, but I don't know a better word to use to describe it, so stressful it is.
Throughout all of the stuff going on, it appears that I began to withdraw from my friends and my family. I managed to hold it all together through my sister's wedding, but then things really began to crumble after that. Around Christmas time of last year, I made the trip to my doctor's office with concerns that I was battling depression, worse than what I could pull myself out of, and needed help. I was prescribed medicine, and have been working on dialing that in and trying to get that to help as much as it will. I have periodically (read as time and money allow) gone to a counselor in an attempt to help relieve the depression and to learn how to manage it. I can say that some things have really stuck and worked, others have not.
Long story short, too late I know! I find myself again hitting a brick wall and attempting to face adversity head on. I really really just want something to work out. I want a plan to work. I want something to finally fall into place. I feel that I am doing all that I can to ensure financial success (or as much of it as I can obtain). The roadblocks keep coming around and rearing their ugly heads. I keep running head long into ways that I am trying to do things right or better and encountering the fact that, yet again, it won't be that easy. Through the advice of a friend (more specifically advice she was given and then gave to me), I need to focus on what is working. I need to stop and take notice of what I'm thankful for, for what is working for me right now. I find it much easier to focus on the hard stuff and on the roadblocks. I'm not going to pretend that I will be perfect at it. I will struggle every day with this concept. However, I'm willing to work on it. Hopefully, I will get stronger and my other relationships will get stronger through this.
Thankful thing #1
Friends - I have GREAT friends. That's right, GREAT not just good friends. They put up with my mood swings (good night nurse when these things are due to hormones not just circumstances!) and still, they are here! I truly don't know what I would do without them. I feel that I take them for granted at times, but I do my best to show them how much I love and appreciate them. So pretty much I'm telling the whole world how great my friends are!
Thankful thing #2
Job- While money is a great cause of my worry, stress, and evidently depression right now, I am very thankful for my job. I wanted to get back into teaching when I came back to Dallas, but found few jobs and many hoops to jump through to get them. I feel very fortunate to have found a job where I can help people learn and better themselves each day. I enjoy the one on one atmosphere of the tutoring I do each day. Even more simply put, I am glad that I have a job that pays me money. There are so many people out there that do not. I would be remiss to not put this thankful thing in its most simple terms.
Thankful thing #3
This is my introduction to you. It is now 3:00 in the morning, and at some point I should probably attempt to sleep. My eyes are swollen from crying and I am now feeling emotionally tired. I hope that in some way, I have encouraged you to be thankful, not just this month, but everyday. Look with me for the little things each day that you can be thankful for. They have to be there, I guess we need to search purposefully each day.
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