Two Steps Forward, Two Steps Back

I feel whenever I say or think that phrase, that at any moment Paula Abdul and that dancing cat should appear.  That never happens, but a girl can wish right?  The truth of that phrase hit me last night and today.  I have been feeling so great this week!  Literally the best that I have felt in months.  Then all of a sudden last night, my anxiety came back full force. 
It is frustrating that I am not able to pinpoint exactly what sets it off.  Last night, I ended up with a headache and a stomach ache.  I was in bed by 9:00 and asleep by 10:00 if not earlier (which is highly unusual for me).  I woke up this morning thinking that I was doing ok and that I was feeling better.  I was thinking that I was over what ever had triggered last night's episode.  Such wasn't the case though.  Once I got to church, my anxiety was crazy.  I felt that I was jumping around inside even though I was sitting still.  At some point, my thoughts got out of control.  I was able to reasonably get those under control.  However, the urge to scratch was almost uncontrollable.  I was trying very hard to focus on what was being spoken from the pulpit and breathing deeply.
I was told by a concerned friend that I needed to fight it all.  I want so desperately to fight these feelings.  I want to fight the thoughts and the scratching and everything that goes with it.  I want at some point to be off the medicine.  I want to be able to live life normally.  I want to fight through this and to at some point be able to help others that are fighting through the same struggles.
I like to think that I had no delusions  as of last week that I wouldn't have hard days or even hard weeks.  I didn't though think that it would hit me so hard and so quickly.  As someone fighting depression, I can completely vouch for the fact that bad days do not mean that I have given up and that I don't want to get better.  Bad days do not mean that I haven't been taking my medicine or that my medicine is not working.  It means that I have hit a roadblock.  It means that I have stumbled in my progress.  My fight is not gone.  My fight is in the midst of a big battle in the most important war of my life. 
I want to get better.  I am ready for my next two steps forward.  I look forward to those days. 

I am so thankful for words.  I can help people with my words and people help me with their words.  Some of the words that I have heard in the past few days: "You sound perky."  "You look tired."  "You look unhappy."  "A friend walks in when everyone else walks out."  "You're looking skinnier."  "I like your necklace."   I hope that my words help someone at some point in their lives.  I hope that you think of your words and use them wisely.  Words can be the biggest blessing and the biggest curse.  Use them to help people move two steps forward not two steps back.