Perspective

I think that we all struggle at times with perspective.  There are times that I struggle with perspective more than at other times.  I find that it is usually at my lowest points that I struggle with my perspective.  When I am on a higher point, I don't struggle with it as much.
Thanksgiving was a low point in dealing with perspective.  I was upset that I wasn't with my sister for that holiday.  I was upset that I wasn't with my nieces and grandpa.  I was very thankful that my friend's parents had opened their house to me and allowed me to spend that time with them.  I so very appreciated it.  I regret that I may have some across as ungrateful or rude.  It was never my intention to come across that way.  My perspective was off and having a skewed perspective that day, caused my Thanksgiving to not be what it could have been.   That is on me.
I was recently struggling with this very concept.  I was very unhappy with how some things were going in my life.  I get very frustrated with the fact that I don't have an apartment of my own right now and that I'm not making the money that I need to be making even though I'm working three jobs right now.  It is very discouraging.  I look at other people and see that things are going (as it appears on the outside, to me) so great and that things are working out just in their favor.  I ache to have things work out in my favor.  For things to for once go in my direction.  However, to me, things just don't seem to be going that way.  I wonder what is wrong with me?  The things I am wanting are not horrible.  I'm not asking for thousands of dollars, just what I need to get by.  I feel as though I'm killing myself and not getting ahead of the eight ball so to speak.  Feeling this does not make me want to stop working in anyway.  I keep working because I know at some point, it will work out.  I think at times I wish it would work out more like I think it should.
I didn't want that to happen at Christmas.  I didn't want my Christmas to turn out that way.  I was seeing other people be taken care of in ways that I've so sought in my life.  I kept thinking, "Why doesn't that happen to me?" "What have I done that I can't be taken care of that way?"  Got did take care of me though.  In smaller ways though.  I haven't gone without the money that I needed.  I've been able to get just about everything done that I needed to or wanted to get done.  I've even been able to sleep pretty well the last couple of nights.  (for this, I am extraordinarily grateful)  I realized as well, that while I wasn't with my biological family during the holidays, I was with my non biological family.  I was with people that loved me and cared for me and wanted me around not because I could do something for them, but because they genuinely wanted me around.
I realized that my focus was wrong.  I was focusing on what was wrong, what I didn't have, what I wanted to have, and how I thought things should be.  I strive very hard to keep my focus centered the correct way.  I strive to make sure that I was in the present moment, not in the past or looking too far into the future.  Because of this, I had a much better Christmas than Thanksgiving.  I am so grateful that my best friend does not allow me to wallow in my pity party too long.  He listens to what I say and doesn't disqualify it, but he also makes me see the correct point of view.  Sometimes he does this without realizing that he does this. 
There is a verse in the New Testament of the Bible where Paul (I believe) talks about being content when he abounds and is abased.  I thought I had a decent grasp on that verse, but I am realizing that through all of this, I really don't.  Paul was jailed numerous times.  He was persecuted and ridiculed so many times.  He still could write that through all of this and despite all of this, he could still be happy when he had what he needed and when he was lacking.  I can only hope that one day I am to that point.  I want to be able to one day say that I am content with what I have, whether its what I think I need or not.
I am in no way saying that I am above anyone dealing with this issue or any other, just that I see where I am lacking right now and want to fix it, as much as I can.  There are so many areas of my life that are lacking or need improvement.  I speak all of this in humility and in love.  I am in no way perfect and through all of this, I believe that will probably become more and more evident.  But, I hope that at some point, you will be able to check your perspective and to really genuinely see what needs to be corrected in your life and to purposefully seek to repair those areas.  It won't be easy, but I firmly believe that it will be very profitable for you and I both as we seek to repair our hearts and lives and to live mentally healthy for the res of our lives.

After the meltdown

I have come to the conclusion that people that are not suffering or dealing with depression do not understand the humiliation and that come along with a meltdown.  This is not a knock against them, but an observation.
When I am in the midst of a meltdown (or breakdown for that matter), there are times of clarity where I know that what I'm thinking or feeling is wrong, silly, downright silly, or unfounded.  However, fighting those thoughts and trying to get the best of them is what my friends see.  It may appear to outsiders that I am not fighting the urge to breakdown or that I don't care that I'm having a breakdown.  For me, when I can feel it coming on, a few things happen.  The first is that I start shaking my leg.  This is the least noticable evidence of my meltdown.  Ok, let me rephrase that, if we are at dinner or somewhere else where I am at a table, its the least noticable evidence.  The next thing that is most likely gonna happen is that I am going to start scratching my hands, arms, or legs.  This is the point at which people can notice that I am having a moment, meltdown, breakdown...which ever word you'd like to use to describe what's going on in my head.  Somewhere in between all of this, I become quiet.  As a plucky character from some cheesy gangster movie would say "It's too quiet".  If you knew me, you would know that when I am "on" quiet is not an adjective that you could use to describe me.  Loud and boisterous are great adjectives for me when I am on point, but not when I'm in the midst of a melt down.
When I am in that place, I tend to get "in my head".  That's what I call the times when I am trying to sort through the feelings I'm having or the thoughts that are in my head.  This is when I am arguing with myself that what I'm thinking, feeling, chewing on is silly, stupid, off base....whatever.  This is also the point where my friends know something is wrong, but I can't explain it to them.  In fact, it usually takes a day or so for me to be able to articulate how I was feeling or what was going through my head.  By this point though, I know that my friends can tell that I've had a meltdown, or have said something to me about it.  At this point, I am embarassed.  I'm not sure how to feel around them simply because of what happened the previous time we were together.  It is not because they did something to me, but because I'm afraid that they won't want anything to do with me.  I know that it sounds like I'm asking for pity, but I'm not.  This is genuinely what is running through my head.  I am genuinely worried that thi is going to be the last time that they are going to want to be around me for the fact that I might break down again. 
Logically and rationally, I know that this is probably not going to happen.  It has been my biggest fear that my best friends would finally have enough and leave me because of it all.  Its not that I want to have these meltdowns, but they happen.  I fear that no one will want to be around me for fear that I may loose it on them.   Through all this, I become embarassed and uncertain.  I'm uncertain that people will want to be around me or that I'll be at arm's length with them.  I've been told "don't worry about that" by friends.  Going through all this and having these fears, it is hard to "don't worry about that".  I don't want to be that friend that people wonder who they are getting whenever they are around them.  I fear I'm becoming that person.  I fear that this depression is going to cost me a whole lot more than my sanity....only time will tell though.