After the meltdown

I have come to the conclusion that people that are not suffering or dealing with depression do not understand the humiliation and that come along with a meltdown.  This is not a knock against them, but an observation.
When I am in the midst of a meltdown (or breakdown for that matter), there are times of clarity where I know that what I'm thinking or feeling is wrong, silly, downright silly, or unfounded.  However, fighting those thoughts and trying to get the best of them is what my friends see.  It may appear to outsiders that I am not fighting the urge to breakdown or that I don't care that I'm having a breakdown.  For me, when I can feel it coming on, a few things happen.  The first is that I start shaking my leg.  This is the least noticable evidence of my meltdown.  Ok, let me rephrase that, if we are at dinner or somewhere else where I am at a table, its the least noticable evidence.  The next thing that is most likely gonna happen is that I am going to start scratching my hands, arms, or legs.  This is the point at which people can notice that I am having a moment, meltdown, breakdown...which ever word you'd like to use to describe what's going on in my head.  Somewhere in between all of this, I become quiet.  As a plucky character from some cheesy gangster movie would say "It's too quiet".  If you knew me, you would know that when I am "on" quiet is not an adjective that you could use to describe me.  Loud and boisterous are great adjectives for me when I am on point, but not when I'm in the midst of a melt down.
When I am in that place, I tend to get "in my head".  That's what I call the times when I am trying to sort through the feelings I'm having or the thoughts that are in my head.  This is when I am arguing with myself that what I'm thinking, feeling, chewing on is silly, stupid, off base....whatever.  This is also the point where my friends know something is wrong, but I can't explain it to them.  In fact, it usually takes a day or so for me to be able to articulate how I was feeling or what was going through my head.  By this point though, I know that my friends can tell that I've had a meltdown, or have said something to me about it.  At this point, I am embarassed.  I'm not sure how to feel around them simply because of what happened the previous time we were together.  It is not because they did something to me, but because I'm afraid that they won't want anything to do with me.  I know that it sounds like I'm asking for pity, but I'm not.  This is genuinely what is running through my head.  I am genuinely worried that thi is going to be the last time that they are going to want to be around me for the fact that I might break down again. 
Logically and rationally, I know that this is probably not going to happen.  It has been my biggest fear that my best friends would finally have enough and leave me because of it all.  Its not that I want to have these meltdowns, but they happen.  I fear that no one will want to be around me for fear that I may loose it on them.   Through all this, I become embarassed and uncertain.  I'm uncertain that people will want to be around me or that I'll be at arm's length with them.  I've been told "don't worry about that" by friends.  Going through all this and having these fears, it is hard to "don't worry about that".  I don't want to be that friend that people wonder who they are getting whenever they are around them.  I fear I'm becoming that person.  I fear that this depression is going to cost me a whole lot more than my sanity....only time will tell though.