I think that we all struggle at times with perspective. There are times that I struggle with perspective more than at other times. I find that it is usually at my lowest points that I struggle with my perspective. When I am on a higher point, I don't struggle with it as much.
Thanksgiving was a low point in dealing with perspective. I was upset that I wasn't with my sister for that holiday. I was upset that I wasn't with my nieces and grandpa. I was very thankful that my friend's parents had opened their house to me and allowed me to spend that time with them. I so very appreciated it. I regret that I may have some across as ungrateful or rude. It was never my intention to come across that way. My perspective was off and having a skewed perspective that day, caused my Thanksgiving to not be what it could have been. That is on me.
I was recently struggling with this very concept. I was very unhappy with how some things were going in my life. I get very frustrated with the fact that I don't have an apartment of my own right now and that I'm not making the money that I need to be making even though I'm working three jobs right now. It is very discouraging. I look at other people and see that things are going (as it appears on the outside, to me) so great and that things are working out just in their favor. I ache to have things work out in my favor. For things to for once go in my direction. However, to me, things just don't seem to be going that way. I wonder what is wrong with me? The things I am wanting are not horrible. I'm not asking for thousands of dollars, just what I need to get by. I feel as though I'm killing myself and not getting ahead of the eight ball so to speak. Feeling this does not make me want to stop working in anyway. I keep working because I know at some point, it will work out. I think at times I wish it would work out more like I think it should.
I didn't want that to happen at Christmas. I didn't want my Christmas to turn out that way. I was seeing other people be taken care of in ways that I've so sought in my life. I kept thinking, "Why doesn't that happen to me?" "What have I done that I can't be taken care of that way?" Got did take care of me though. In smaller ways though. I haven't gone without the money that I needed. I've been able to get just about everything done that I needed to or wanted to get done. I've even been able to sleep pretty well the last couple of nights. (for this, I am extraordinarily grateful) I realized as well, that while I wasn't with my biological family during the holidays, I was with my non biological family. I was with people that loved me and cared for me and wanted me around not because I could do something for them, but because they genuinely wanted me around.
I realized that my focus was wrong. I was focusing on what was wrong, what I didn't have, what I wanted to have, and how I thought things should be. I strive very hard to keep my focus centered the correct way. I strive to make sure that I was in the present moment, not in the past or looking too far into the future. Because of this, I had a much better Christmas than Thanksgiving. I am so grateful that my best friend does not allow me to wallow in my pity party too long. He listens to what I say and doesn't disqualify it, but he also makes me see the correct point of view. Sometimes he does this without realizing that he does this.
There is a verse in the New Testament of the Bible where Paul (I believe) talks about being content when he abounds and is abased. I thought I had a decent grasp on that verse, but I am realizing that through all of this, I really don't. Paul was jailed numerous times. He was persecuted and ridiculed so many times. He still could write that through all of this and despite all of this, he could still be happy when he had what he needed and when he was lacking. I can only hope that one day I am to that point. I want to be able to one day say that I am content with what I have, whether its what I think I need or not.
I am in no way saying that I am above anyone dealing with this issue or any other, just that I see where I am lacking right now and want to fix it, as much as I can. There are so many areas of my life that are lacking or need improvement. I speak all of this in humility and in love. I am in no way perfect and through all of this, I believe that will probably become more and more evident. But, I hope that at some point, you will be able to check your perspective and to really genuinely see what needs to be corrected in your life and to purposefully seek to repair those areas. It won't be easy, but I firmly believe that it will be very profitable for you and I both as we seek to repair our hearts and lives and to live mentally healthy for the res of our lives.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Monday, December 5, 2011
After the meltdown
I have come to the conclusion that people that are not suffering or dealing with depression do not understand the humiliation and that come along with a meltdown. This is not a knock against them, but an observation.
When I am in the midst of a meltdown (or breakdown for that matter), there are times of clarity where I know that what I'm thinking or feeling is wrong, silly, downright silly, or unfounded. However, fighting those thoughts and trying to get the best of them is what my friends see. It may appear to outsiders that I am not fighting the urge to breakdown or that I don't care that I'm having a breakdown. For me, when I can feel it coming on, a few things happen. The first is that I start shaking my leg. This is the least noticable evidence of my meltdown. Ok, let me rephrase that, if we are at dinner or somewhere else where I am at a table, its the least noticable evidence. The next thing that is most likely gonna happen is that I am going to start scratching my hands, arms, or legs. This is the point at which people can notice that I am having a moment, meltdown, breakdown...which ever word you'd like to use to describe what's going on in my head. Somewhere in between all of this, I become quiet. As a plucky character from some cheesy gangster movie would say "It's too quiet". If you knew me, you would know that when I am "on" quiet is not an adjective that you could use to describe me. Loud and boisterous are great adjectives for me when I am on point, but not when I'm in the midst of a melt down.
When I am in that place, I tend to get "in my head". That's what I call the times when I am trying to sort through the feelings I'm having or the thoughts that are in my head. This is when I am arguing with myself that what I'm thinking, feeling, chewing on is silly, stupid, off base....whatever. This is also the point where my friends know something is wrong, but I can't explain it to them. In fact, it usually takes a day or so for me to be able to articulate how I was feeling or what was going through my head. By this point though, I know that my friends can tell that I've had a meltdown, or have said something to me about it. At this point, I am embarassed. I'm not sure how to feel around them simply because of what happened the previous time we were together. It is not because they did something to me, but because I'm afraid that they won't want anything to do with me. I know that it sounds like I'm asking for pity, but I'm not. This is genuinely what is running through my head. I am genuinely worried that thi is going to be the last time that they are going to want to be around me for the fact that I might break down again.
Logically and rationally, I know that this is probably not going to happen. It has been my biggest fear that my best friends would finally have enough and leave me because of it all. Its not that I want to have these meltdowns, but they happen. I fear that no one will want to be around me for fear that I may loose it on them. Through all this, I become embarassed and uncertain. I'm uncertain that people will want to be around me or that I'll be at arm's length with them. I've been told "don't worry about that" by friends. Going through all this and having these fears, it is hard to "don't worry about that". I don't want to be that friend that people wonder who they are getting whenever they are around them. I fear I'm becoming that person. I fear that this depression is going to cost me a whole lot more than my sanity....only time will tell though.
When I am in the midst of a meltdown (or breakdown for that matter), there are times of clarity where I know that what I'm thinking or feeling is wrong, silly, downright silly, or unfounded. However, fighting those thoughts and trying to get the best of them is what my friends see. It may appear to outsiders that I am not fighting the urge to breakdown or that I don't care that I'm having a breakdown. For me, when I can feel it coming on, a few things happen. The first is that I start shaking my leg. This is the least noticable evidence of my meltdown. Ok, let me rephrase that, if we are at dinner or somewhere else where I am at a table, its the least noticable evidence. The next thing that is most likely gonna happen is that I am going to start scratching my hands, arms, or legs. This is the point at which people can notice that I am having a moment, meltdown, breakdown...which ever word you'd like to use to describe what's going on in my head. Somewhere in between all of this, I become quiet. As a plucky character from some cheesy gangster movie would say "It's too quiet". If you knew me, you would know that when I am "on" quiet is not an adjective that you could use to describe me. Loud and boisterous are great adjectives for me when I am on point, but not when I'm in the midst of a melt down.
When I am in that place, I tend to get "in my head". That's what I call the times when I am trying to sort through the feelings I'm having or the thoughts that are in my head. This is when I am arguing with myself that what I'm thinking, feeling, chewing on is silly, stupid, off base....whatever. This is also the point where my friends know something is wrong, but I can't explain it to them. In fact, it usually takes a day or so for me to be able to articulate how I was feeling or what was going through my head. By this point though, I know that my friends can tell that I've had a meltdown, or have said something to me about it. At this point, I am embarassed. I'm not sure how to feel around them simply because of what happened the previous time we were together. It is not because they did something to me, but because I'm afraid that they won't want anything to do with me. I know that it sounds like I'm asking for pity, but I'm not. This is genuinely what is running through my head. I am genuinely worried that thi is going to be the last time that they are going to want to be around me for the fact that I might break down again.
Logically and rationally, I know that this is probably not going to happen. It has been my biggest fear that my best friends would finally have enough and leave me because of it all. Its not that I want to have these meltdowns, but they happen. I fear that no one will want to be around me for fear that I may loose it on them. Through all this, I become embarassed and uncertain. I'm uncertain that people will want to be around me or that I'll be at arm's length with them. I've been told "don't worry about that" by friends. Going through all this and having these fears, it is hard to "don't worry about that". I don't want to be that friend that people wonder who they are getting whenever they are around them. I fear I'm becoming that person. I fear that this depression is going to cost me a whole lot more than my sanity....only time will tell though.
Monday, November 14, 2011
A Choice?
I heard the following line in a movie. "Every woman has the love life that she chooses." It always makes me stop and think if it is true or just a line in a movie meant to explore the protagonist's feelings. In looking at some books last night concerning anxiety attacks. One of the books' titles was Happiness is a Choice. It made me think of the line in the movie. Obviously not in relation to my love life, but in relation to my happiness and to my depression.
Do I choose each day to be depressed? Do I choose to be anxious? Do I wake up each morning and choose to be this way? In all sincerity, I say that I do not choose to be this way. I don't wake up each morning and choose to be grumpy, choose to be sad, or choose to scratch. I don't wake up each day and want to go backwards in my treatment.
In thinking it through though, I realize that at some level, I do choose to be that way. I realize that this choice comes after the feelings or thoughts have already hit me. I rarely know the trigger for these emotions. Once they have hit though, finding a way to release myself from them is not easy. I will admit that it comes easier as time passes, but it is still not a quick process. I would like to think that I am not choosing to be that way when it is so rough and dark. When I am in the depths of those feelings, I do not feel like I have a choice. I feel like getting my head above water is what is most important. At that point, getting above water, getting through the anxiety is no easy feat. I guess in those moments though, I am making a choice. I am choosing to try to get above water.
I guess the whole point to this point is that conciously, I do not choose to be unhappy. Conciously, I do not choose to be depressed, upset, and sad. I don't seek each day to be Eeyore. I long to be Pooh Bear. Is it a choice? Or is it something that I can't control, conciously at least?
Do I choose each day to be depressed? Do I choose to be anxious? Do I wake up each morning and choose to be this way? In all sincerity, I say that I do not choose to be this way. I don't wake up each morning and choose to be grumpy, choose to be sad, or choose to scratch. I don't wake up each day and want to go backwards in my treatment.
In thinking it through though, I realize that at some level, I do choose to be that way. I realize that this choice comes after the feelings or thoughts have already hit me. I rarely know the trigger for these emotions. Once they have hit though, finding a way to release myself from them is not easy. I will admit that it comes easier as time passes, but it is still not a quick process. I would like to think that I am not choosing to be that way when it is so rough and dark. When I am in the depths of those feelings, I do not feel like I have a choice. I feel like getting my head above water is what is most important. At that point, getting above water, getting through the anxiety is no easy feat. I guess in those moments though, I am making a choice. I am choosing to try to get above water.
I guess the whole point to this point is that conciously, I do not choose to be unhappy. Conciously, I do not choose to be depressed, upset, and sad. I don't seek each day to be Eeyore. I long to be Pooh Bear. Is it a choice? Or is it something that I can't control, conciously at least?
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Two Steps Forward, Two Steps Back
I feel whenever I say or think that phrase, that at any moment Paula Abdul and that dancing cat should appear. That never happens, but a girl can wish right? The truth of that phrase hit me last night and today. I have been feeling so great this week! Literally the best that I have felt in months. Then all of a sudden last night, my anxiety came back full force.
It is frustrating that I am not able to pinpoint exactly what sets it off. Last night, I ended up with a headache and a stomach ache. I was in bed by 9:00 and asleep by 10:00 if not earlier (which is highly unusual for me). I woke up this morning thinking that I was doing ok and that I was feeling better. I was thinking that I was over what ever had triggered last night's episode. Such wasn't the case though. Once I got to church, my anxiety was crazy. I felt that I was jumping around inside even though I was sitting still. At some point, my thoughts got out of control. I was able to reasonably get those under control. However, the urge to scratch was almost uncontrollable. I was trying very hard to focus on what was being spoken from the pulpit and breathing deeply.
I was told by a concerned friend that I needed to fight it all. I want so desperately to fight these feelings. I want to fight the thoughts and the scratching and everything that goes with it. I want at some point to be off the medicine. I want to be able to live life normally. I want to fight through this and to at some point be able to help others that are fighting through the same struggles.
I like to think that I had no delusions as of last week that I wouldn't have hard days or even hard weeks. I didn't though think that it would hit me so hard and so quickly. As someone fighting depression, I can completely vouch for the fact that bad days do not mean that I have given up and that I don't want to get better. Bad days do not mean that I haven't been taking my medicine or that my medicine is not working. It means that I have hit a roadblock. It means that I have stumbled in my progress. My fight is not gone. My fight is in the midst of a big battle in the most important war of my life.
I want to get better. I am ready for my next two steps forward. I look forward to those days.
I am so thankful for words. I can help people with my words and people help me with their words. Some of the words that I have heard in the past few days: "You sound perky." "You look tired." "You look unhappy." "A friend walks in when everyone else walks out." "You're looking skinnier." "I like your necklace." I hope that my words help someone at some point in their lives. I hope that you think of your words and use them wisely. Words can be the biggest blessing and the biggest curse. Use them to help people move two steps forward not two steps back.
It is frustrating that I am not able to pinpoint exactly what sets it off. Last night, I ended up with a headache and a stomach ache. I was in bed by 9:00 and asleep by 10:00 if not earlier (which is highly unusual for me). I woke up this morning thinking that I was doing ok and that I was feeling better. I was thinking that I was over what ever had triggered last night's episode. Such wasn't the case though. Once I got to church, my anxiety was crazy. I felt that I was jumping around inside even though I was sitting still. At some point, my thoughts got out of control. I was able to reasonably get those under control. However, the urge to scratch was almost uncontrollable. I was trying very hard to focus on what was being spoken from the pulpit and breathing deeply.
I was told by a concerned friend that I needed to fight it all. I want so desperately to fight these feelings. I want to fight the thoughts and the scratching and everything that goes with it. I want at some point to be off the medicine. I want to be able to live life normally. I want to fight through this and to at some point be able to help others that are fighting through the same struggles.
I like to think that I had no delusions as of last week that I wouldn't have hard days or even hard weeks. I didn't though think that it would hit me so hard and so quickly. As someone fighting depression, I can completely vouch for the fact that bad days do not mean that I have given up and that I don't want to get better. Bad days do not mean that I haven't been taking my medicine or that my medicine is not working. It means that I have hit a roadblock. It means that I have stumbled in my progress. My fight is not gone. My fight is in the midst of a big battle in the most important war of my life.
I want to get better. I am ready for my next two steps forward. I look forward to those days.
I am so thankful for words. I can help people with my words and people help me with their words. Some of the words that I have heard in the past few days: "You sound perky." "You look tired." "You look unhappy." "A friend walks in when everyone else walks out." "You're looking skinnier." "I like your necklace." I hope that my words help someone at some point in their lives. I hope that you think of your words and use them wisely. Words can be the biggest blessing and the biggest curse. Use them to help people move two steps forward not two steps back.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Live
It seems like a simple thought. Live. I do that everyday. I wake up. I take a shower. I go to work. I hang out with friends. I go to bed. I live....right? I mean live as in not being held back or held down by the drama in your life. I can only speak on this from experience.
For so long I've been held back and down by my various family issues. I've tried to overcome them and to move past them. Certain family members and my friends have tried and tried to get me to move past it all. They don't mean that I forget what has happened or to not learn from it. Rather they mean that I need to not allow it to control me. I would try and try to do this. I would find a little portion of my stubborn side and decide that I was tired of my situations controlling me. However, it would only be a matter of a day or two (sometimes just a matter of hours) and I was back in the same place and sometimes further down.
I thought I was doing so well at not letting it control me. I thought that the smile on my face would be enough effort that some people wouldn't ask what was going on. My close friends knew though. They could tell by my tone of voice and some of them could tell through the tone of a text. I was doing a miserable job of not letting it control me. Even in the midst of it, if you caught me on an off day, I might admit it. I didn't want to admit, again, that the situation was controlling me. I didn't want to admit that being able to talk to friends or hang out with them was being affected by my depression. I thought that I was doing enough to keep the two worlds separate. I came face to face with that reality though every time a phone call with my best friend K ended up with me in almost hysterical tears (usually accompanied by me lying on my bed curled up as tight as I could). Or having to get off the phone with my other best friend B (yes, I have two :)) because I was crying and didn't want to cry on the phone to him......again.
While there have been times where I have questioned moving away from my family, I know that it was the best thing for me. I finally, now, feel the best I have felt in quite a while. I don't feel the heaviness that once was there. I'm not naieve enough to think that it won't attempt to creep back in, but right now, I'm relishing the fact that it's gone.
Sunday, while I was at church, I let it go. Don't ask me why Sunday was different. It just was. So many other times, I have wanted to let go, have said that I let go, but I didn't. There were times when, while I know that it was tearing me up and I was miserable, those feelings were comfortable to me. I knew what to expect, there were no sharp edges or unexpected things around the corners. However, all of those feelings and situations playing through my head and my heart were holding me back. I wasn't able to LIVE.
I used to be that girl that loved the random road trip with the unexpected stops. I loved going to a movie at 10:30 even though I had to be at work the next morning. I laughed....ALOT! I once followed my roommates through Walmart carrying a small poinsettia as a wedding bouquet (complete with the typical walk down the aisle). I love to have fun. I love to live. That disappeared though with my depression and the surrounding situations. I became someone that didn't really like to go anywhere. I wasn't agoraphobic, but I did prefer to stay home or in places I was very comfortable with. Nothing could happen if I stayed home. Nothing could bother me if I was in a comfortable place. That was a horrible lie to tell myself, as it was disproved many times. Not now though.
I am not pretending that I won't have down moments. I am not pretending that there could be some down days. I am feeling though that those times will be few and far between. I am feeling that the fun and playful me is coming back. It's hard work, not just for me, but for those around me. I know that they have wanted the playful side of me to come back....for a long time. I've wanted that part of me back too. I feel that I'm finding it now. I feel like I can LIVE now.
Find a way to LIVE. Find a way to let go of what's holding you back. If how I'm feeling in just the past few days is any indication, the fun me is coming back. I want that for you. I know you can find it, I know it is there. Don't give up!
Thankful Thing #1
I am thankful for friends. I am thankful that they don't give up on you. I am so blessed to have my friends. I'm thankful that they have been patient with me and have waited for me and not left when the going got rough.
Thankful Thing #2
I am thankful that the weather is starting to turn colder. I'm not ready for snow, but I do love that I am getting to wear a sweater or hoodie in the evenings. Now, I just need a good book and a cup of coffee and it will be a perfect fall evening!
For so long I've been held back and down by my various family issues. I've tried to overcome them and to move past them. Certain family members and my friends have tried and tried to get me to move past it all. They don't mean that I forget what has happened or to not learn from it. Rather they mean that I need to not allow it to control me. I would try and try to do this. I would find a little portion of my stubborn side and decide that I was tired of my situations controlling me. However, it would only be a matter of a day or two (sometimes just a matter of hours) and I was back in the same place and sometimes further down.
I thought I was doing so well at not letting it control me. I thought that the smile on my face would be enough effort that some people wouldn't ask what was going on. My close friends knew though. They could tell by my tone of voice and some of them could tell through the tone of a text. I was doing a miserable job of not letting it control me. Even in the midst of it, if you caught me on an off day, I might admit it. I didn't want to admit, again, that the situation was controlling me. I didn't want to admit that being able to talk to friends or hang out with them was being affected by my depression. I thought that I was doing enough to keep the two worlds separate. I came face to face with that reality though every time a phone call with my best friend K ended up with me in almost hysterical tears (usually accompanied by me lying on my bed curled up as tight as I could). Or having to get off the phone with my other best friend B (yes, I have two :)) because I was crying and didn't want to cry on the phone to him......again.
While there have been times where I have questioned moving away from my family, I know that it was the best thing for me. I finally, now, feel the best I have felt in quite a while. I don't feel the heaviness that once was there. I'm not naieve enough to think that it won't attempt to creep back in, but right now, I'm relishing the fact that it's gone.
Sunday, while I was at church, I let it go. Don't ask me why Sunday was different. It just was. So many other times, I have wanted to let go, have said that I let go, but I didn't. There were times when, while I know that it was tearing me up and I was miserable, those feelings were comfortable to me. I knew what to expect, there were no sharp edges or unexpected things around the corners. However, all of those feelings and situations playing through my head and my heart were holding me back. I wasn't able to LIVE.
I used to be that girl that loved the random road trip with the unexpected stops. I loved going to a movie at 10:30 even though I had to be at work the next morning. I laughed....ALOT! I once followed my roommates through Walmart carrying a small poinsettia as a wedding bouquet (complete with the typical walk down the aisle). I love to have fun. I love to live. That disappeared though with my depression and the surrounding situations. I became someone that didn't really like to go anywhere. I wasn't agoraphobic, but I did prefer to stay home or in places I was very comfortable with. Nothing could happen if I stayed home. Nothing could bother me if I was in a comfortable place. That was a horrible lie to tell myself, as it was disproved many times. Not now though.
I am not pretending that I won't have down moments. I am not pretending that there could be some down days. I am feeling though that those times will be few and far between. I am feeling that the fun and playful me is coming back. It's hard work, not just for me, but for those around me. I know that they have wanted the playful side of me to come back....for a long time. I've wanted that part of me back too. I feel that I'm finding it now. I feel like I can LIVE now.
Find a way to LIVE. Find a way to let go of what's holding you back. If how I'm feeling in just the past few days is any indication, the fun me is coming back. I want that for you. I know you can find it, I know it is there. Don't give up!
Thankful Thing #1
I am thankful for friends. I am thankful that they don't give up on you. I am so blessed to have my friends. I'm thankful that they have been patient with me and have waited for me and not left when the going got rough.
Thankful Thing #2
I am thankful that the weather is starting to turn colder. I'm not ready for snow, but I do love that I am getting to wear a sweater or hoodie in the evenings. Now, I just need a good book and a cup of coffee and it will be a perfect fall evening!
Monday, November 7, 2011
The Letter
As wordy as I can be at times, when it comes to confronting someone about an issue I have with them, I falter. I will readily admit this. There are times when I need to confront some one that writing a letter is the only option I have is to write a letter to get my point across. There have been times when I have been able to speak my mind and to say what I needed to say. However, those occasions were when the issue is so black and white, that I know there is no interpretation but what I'm confronting that person with. However, there are times when people have hurt you and they may not always see it that way that I struggle confronting them with it. I have found that writing a letter helps get my point across and gives the other person time to process my point of view and what I'm saying.
In seeking some counseling in dealing with what began as dealing with my father's lying, habits, and treatment of my family and developed into me having to deal with my mother and the issues I've had with her for quite a while. In dealing with all these issues, I have come to realize that she has been controlling my life for all my life, both with my permission and without. On Saturday, I was talking to my best friend, who encouraged me to seek counseling and then sought counseling for his own personal issues. He had gone to his counselor and the counselor had determined that he no longer needed regular counseling appointments. He told me that the counselor had explained that his need for counseling was to simply reset himself and his way of thinking. That got me to thinking, as his retelling of his appointments usually do, that if it was that simple, why had I not done that before. I began to think that I had written a letter to my mom and explained my position and thoughts. That was all I could and was the best I could do. I had to let it go. While sitting in church on Sunday morning, I came up with the following insights.
"I've written my letter. I've said my piece. I need to let go now. I need to move on past the malarkey. The malarkey is holding me back. My other relationships are hurting because I'm holding onto this crap. She's had control of my life for so long. I can't keep letting her control me like this. If she doesn't want to talk about it, that's her problem, not mine. I've done the right thing. I went to her and told her how I'm feeling. I didn't blame her 100%, but I did make my point. I drew boundaries. If she doesn't like that or respect that, that's not my problem. I need to let go!! I have to let go! I have to do this to improve me. My emotional & mental health depend on me letting go. She CANNOT have control anymore. Allowing her to bring me down at this point is my fault and my fault alone."
I'm not cured. I'm not delusional. But, I already feel a great weight being lifted from coming to this conclusion.
Know that confronting your issues, whatever they are, is not easy, but it is necessary. I'm speaking from a place of knowing that there is still a lot of work to be done for me to be "better", but I am willing to do the work. I have to look at it realistically. I want a wonderful life with a husband and kids. To obtain these things, I have to get better, I have to deal with all of this.
In seeking some counseling in dealing with what began as dealing with my father's lying, habits, and treatment of my family and developed into me having to deal with my mother and the issues I've had with her for quite a while. In dealing with all these issues, I have come to realize that she has been controlling my life for all my life, both with my permission and without. On Saturday, I was talking to my best friend, who encouraged me to seek counseling and then sought counseling for his own personal issues. He had gone to his counselor and the counselor had determined that he no longer needed regular counseling appointments. He told me that the counselor had explained that his need for counseling was to simply reset himself and his way of thinking. That got me to thinking, as his retelling of his appointments usually do, that if it was that simple, why had I not done that before. I began to think that I had written a letter to my mom and explained my position and thoughts. That was all I could and was the best I could do. I had to let it go. While sitting in church on Sunday morning, I came up with the following insights.
"I've written my letter. I've said my piece. I need to let go now. I need to move on past the malarkey. The malarkey is holding me back. My other relationships are hurting because I'm holding onto this crap. She's had control of my life for so long. I can't keep letting her control me like this. If she doesn't want to talk about it, that's her problem, not mine. I've done the right thing. I went to her and told her how I'm feeling. I didn't blame her 100%, but I did make my point. I drew boundaries. If she doesn't like that or respect that, that's not my problem. I need to let go!! I have to let go! I have to do this to improve me. My emotional & mental health depend on me letting go. She CANNOT have control anymore. Allowing her to bring me down at this point is my fault and my fault alone."
I'm not cured. I'm not delusional. But, I already feel a great weight being lifted from coming to this conclusion.
Know that confronting your issues, whatever they are, is not easy, but it is necessary. I'm speaking from a place of knowing that there is still a lot of work to be done for me to be "better", but I am willing to do the work. I have to look at it realistically. I want a wonderful life with a husband and kids. To obtain these things, I have to get better, I have to deal with all of this.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Why would I think that?
Suicide. I hate the word. I hate the thought. I would never commit the act myself. It saddens me when I hear of people that feel that's the only way out of their troubles. If I'm honest, I have always thought, "How bad could things be for someone to feel that suicide is the only answer?" Until earlier this year that is. Throughout the whole ordeal that I have been dealing with with my parents, I've been able to keep my chin up, or so I thought. In May, for wahtever reasons (I'm still not 100% sure what the trigger was) I found myself thinking that maybe life would just be better if I wasn't here. I've never found myself in that place before. I've always been able to handle my issues, eventually, but never have I been there before.
It's not an enjoyable place to be....at all. I don't enjoy the thoughts that are in your brain when you're in that place. I know for me I feel, at times. that my trying to deal with my situation and the feelings that have come up because of it, are too much for my friends. I feel that they did not sign up for all of this. That it's too much for them. Maybe this was a contributing factor to it all. I'm still not sure. I know, though, that I was scared that those thoughts even popped into my head. I was scared at thr ramifications the thoughts held. Would my friends still want to be friends with me? Would they still love me? Would they be nervous to be around me knowing that I've felt this way before? I am so happy to say that of all the friends I have privately shared this with, not a single one has left me. Not a single friend has spoken ill of me. They have all been so encouraging and loving. They have all loved me through it. I am sure that they don't understand even part of it, but they haven't left me.
If anyone is reading this, I hope that I can to some degree encourage you. I hope that you can find a way to speak with someone. I hope that you can find a hotline to call and talk to someone. I hope that you understand that I am not telling you things will be fixed with one phone call. I'm not going to lie, its not easy at all. But, if you're willing, you can begin to work through it all. Suicide is not the solution. It does not fix things. So many people are hurt by your actions. Think about the people you love, that love you, you're leaving behind. They love you, they want to help you and probably don't realize you're hurting the way you are. Talk to soemone!
Thankful Thing:
I've got one Thankful Thing today. I am so thankful for my friends. I am so thankful that they love me despite my issues. They have proven unconditional love to me at times when my family hasn't. Without my friends, I don't know what I would do to get through each day. I don't know how I could cope with each new thing that comes up, each new feeling that shows itself. They are so priceless! I wouldn't want to put a price on them even if I had to. Everyone is biased to their own friends, but mine truly are the best!
It's not an enjoyable place to be....at all. I don't enjoy the thoughts that are in your brain when you're in that place. I know for me I feel, at times. that my trying to deal with my situation and the feelings that have come up because of it, are too much for my friends. I feel that they did not sign up for all of this. That it's too much for them. Maybe this was a contributing factor to it all. I'm still not sure. I know, though, that I was scared that those thoughts even popped into my head. I was scared at thr ramifications the thoughts held. Would my friends still want to be friends with me? Would they still love me? Would they be nervous to be around me knowing that I've felt this way before? I am so happy to say that of all the friends I have privately shared this with, not a single one has left me. Not a single friend has spoken ill of me. They have all been so encouraging and loving. They have all loved me through it. I am sure that they don't understand even part of it, but they haven't left me.
If anyone is reading this, I hope that I can to some degree encourage you. I hope that you can find a way to speak with someone. I hope that you can find a hotline to call and talk to someone. I hope that you understand that I am not telling you things will be fixed with one phone call. I'm not going to lie, its not easy at all. But, if you're willing, you can begin to work through it all. Suicide is not the solution. It does not fix things. So many people are hurt by your actions. Think about the people you love, that love you, you're leaving behind. They love you, they want to help you and probably don't realize you're hurting the way you are. Talk to soemone!
Thankful Thing:
I've got one Thankful Thing today. I am so thankful for my friends. I am so thankful that they love me despite my issues. They have proven unconditional love to me at times when my family hasn't. Without my friends, I don't know what I would do to get through each day. I don't know how I could cope with each new thing that comes up, each new feeling that shows itself. They are so priceless! I wouldn't want to put a price on them even if I had to. Everyone is biased to their own friends, but mine truly are the best!
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