I heard the following line in a movie. "Every woman has the love life that she chooses." It always makes me stop and think if it is true or just a line in a movie meant to explore the protagonist's feelings. In looking at some books last night concerning anxiety attacks. One of the books' titles was Happiness is a Choice. It made me think of the line in the movie. Obviously not in relation to my love life, but in relation to my happiness and to my depression.
Do I choose each day to be depressed? Do I choose to be anxious? Do I wake up each morning and choose to be this way? In all sincerity, I say that I do not choose to be this way. I don't wake up each morning and choose to be grumpy, choose to be sad, or choose to scratch. I don't wake up each day and want to go backwards in my treatment.
In thinking it through though, I realize that at some level, I do choose to be that way. I realize that this choice comes after the feelings or thoughts have already hit me. I rarely know the trigger for these emotions. Once they have hit though, finding a way to release myself from them is not easy. I will admit that it comes easier as time passes, but it is still not a quick process. I would like to think that I am not choosing to be that way when it is so rough and dark. When I am in the depths of those feelings, I do not feel like I have a choice. I feel like getting my head above water is what is most important. At that point, getting above water, getting through the anxiety is no easy feat. I guess in those moments though, I am making a choice. I am choosing to try to get above water.
I guess the whole point to this point is that conciously, I do not choose to be unhappy. Conciously, I do not choose to be depressed, upset, and sad. I don't seek each day to be Eeyore. I long to be Pooh Bear. Is it a choice? Or is it something that I can't control, conciously at least?
Monday, November 14, 2011
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Two Steps Forward, Two Steps Back
I feel whenever I say or think that phrase, that at any moment Paula Abdul and that dancing cat should appear. That never happens, but a girl can wish right? The truth of that phrase hit me last night and today. I have been feeling so great this week! Literally the best that I have felt in months. Then all of a sudden last night, my anxiety came back full force.
It is frustrating that I am not able to pinpoint exactly what sets it off. Last night, I ended up with a headache and a stomach ache. I was in bed by 9:00 and asleep by 10:00 if not earlier (which is highly unusual for me). I woke up this morning thinking that I was doing ok and that I was feeling better. I was thinking that I was over what ever had triggered last night's episode. Such wasn't the case though. Once I got to church, my anxiety was crazy. I felt that I was jumping around inside even though I was sitting still. At some point, my thoughts got out of control. I was able to reasonably get those under control. However, the urge to scratch was almost uncontrollable. I was trying very hard to focus on what was being spoken from the pulpit and breathing deeply.
I was told by a concerned friend that I needed to fight it all. I want so desperately to fight these feelings. I want to fight the thoughts and the scratching and everything that goes with it. I want at some point to be off the medicine. I want to be able to live life normally. I want to fight through this and to at some point be able to help others that are fighting through the same struggles.
I like to think that I had no delusions as of last week that I wouldn't have hard days or even hard weeks. I didn't though think that it would hit me so hard and so quickly. As someone fighting depression, I can completely vouch for the fact that bad days do not mean that I have given up and that I don't want to get better. Bad days do not mean that I haven't been taking my medicine or that my medicine is not working. It means that I have hit a roadblock. It means that I have stumbled in my progress. My fight is not gone. My fight is in the midst of a big battle in the most important war of my life.
I want to get better. I am ready for my next two steps forward. I look forward to those days.
I am so thankful for words. I can help people with my words and people help me with their words. Some of the words that I have heard in the past few days: "You sound perky." "You look tired." "You look unhappy." "A friend walks in when everyone else walks out." "You're looking skinnier." "I like your necklace." I hope that my words help someone at some point in their lives. I hope that you think of your words and use them wisely. Words can be the biggest blessing and the biggest curse. Use them to help people move two steps forward not two steps back.
It is frustrating that I am not able to pinpoint exactly what sets it off. Last night, I ended up with a headache and a stomach ache. I was in bed by 9:00 and asleep by 10:00 if not earlier (which is highly unusual for me). I woke up this morning thinking that I was doing ok and that I was feeling better. I was thinking that I was over what ever had triggered last night's episode. Such wasn't the case though. Once I got to church, my anxiety was crazy. I felt that I was jumping around inside even though I was sitting still. At some point, my thoughts got out of control. I was able to reasonably get those under control. However, the urge to scratch was almost uncontrollable. I was trying very hard to focus on what was being spoken from the pulpit and breathing deeply.
I was told by a concerned friend that I needed to fight it all. I want so desperately to fight these feelings. I want to fight the thoughts and the scratching and everything that goes with it. I want at some point to be off the medicine. I want to be able to live life normally. I want to fight through this and to at some point be able to help others that are fighting through the same struggles.
I like to think that I had no delusions as of last week that I wouldn't have hard days or even hard weeks. I didn't though think that it would hit me so hard and so quickly. As someone fighting depression, I can completely vouch for the fact that bad days do not mean that I have given up and that I don't want to get better. Bad days do not mean that I haven't been taking my medicine or that my medicine is not working. It means that I have hit a roadblock. It means that I have stumbled in my progress. My fight is not gone. My fight is in the midst of a big battle in the most important war of my life.
I want to get better. I am ready for my next two steps forward. I look forward to those days.
I am so thankful for words. I can help people with my words and people help me with their words. Some of the words that I have heard in the past few days: "You sound perky." "You look tired." "You look unhappy." "A friend walks in when everyone else walks out." "You're looking skinnier." "I like your necklace." I hope that my words help someone at some point in their lives. I hope that you think of your words and use them wisely. Words can be the biggest blessing and the biggest curse. Use them to help people move two steps forward not two steps back.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Live
It seems like a simple thought. Live. I do that everyday. I wake up. I take a shower. I go to work. I hang out with friends. I go to bed. I live....right? I mean live as in not being held back or held down by the drama in your life. I can only speak on this from experience.
For so long I've been held back and down by my various family issues. I've tried to overcome them and to move past them. Certain family members and my friends have tried and tried to get me to move past it all. They don't mean that I forget what has happened or to not learn from it. Rather they mean that I need to not allow it to control me. I would try and try to do this. I would find a little portion of my stubborn side and decide that I was tired of my situations controlling me. However, it would only be a matter of a day or two (sometimes just a matter of hours) and I was back in the same place and sometimes further down.
I thought I was doing so well at not letting it control me. I thought that the smile on my face would be enough effort that some people wouldn't ask what was going on. My close friends knew though. They could tell by my tone of voice and some of them could tell through the tone of a text. I was doing a miserable job of not letting it control me. Even in the midst of it, if you caught me on an off day, I might admit it. I didn't want to admit, again, that the situation was controlling me. I didn't want to admit that being able to talk to friends or hang out with them was being affected by my depression. I thought that I was doing enough to keep the two worlds separate. I came face to face with that reality though every time a phone call with my best friend K ended up with me in almost hysterical tears (usually accompanied by me lying on my bed curled up as tight as I could). Or having to get off the phone with my other best friend B (yes, I have two :)) because I was crying and didn't want to cry on the phone to him......again.
While there have been times where I have questioned moving away from my family, I know that it was the best thing for me. I finally, now, feel the best I have felt in quite a while. I don't feel the heaviness that once was there. I'm not naieve enough to think that it won't attempt to creep back in, but right now, I'm relishing the fact that it's gone.
Sunday, while I was at church, I let it go. Don't ask me why Sunday was different. It just was. So many other times, I have wanted to let go, have said that I let go, but I didn't. There were times when, while I know that it was tearing me up and I was miserable, those feelings were comfortable to me. I knew what to expect, there were no sharp edges or unexpected things around the corners. However, all of those feelings and situations playing through my head and my heart were holding me back. I wasn't able to LIVE.
I used to be that girl that loved the random road trip with the unexpected stops. I loved going to a movie at 10:30 even though I had to be at work the next morning. I laughed....ALOT! I once followed my roommates through Walmart carrying a small poinsettia as a wedding bouquet (complete with the typical walk down the aisle). I love to have fun. I love to live. That disappeared though with my depression and the surrounding situations. I became someone that didn't really like to go anywhere. I wasn't agoraphobic, but I did prefer to stay home or in places I was very comfortable with. Nothing could happen if I stayed home. Nothing could bother me if I was in a comfortable place. That was a horrible lie to tell myself, as it was disproved many times. Not now though.
I am not pretending that I won't have down moments. I am not pretending that there could be some down days. I am feeling though that those times will be few and far between. I am feeling that the fun and playful me is coming back. It's hard work, not just for me, but for those around me. I know that they have wanted the playful side of me to come back....for a long time. I've wanted that part of me back too. I feel that I'm finding it now. I feel like I can LIVE now.
Find a way to LIVE. Find a way to let go of what's holding you back. If how I'm feeling in just the past few days is any indication, the fun me is coming back. I want that for you. I know you can find it, I know it is there. Don't give up!
Thankful Thing #1
I am thankful for friends. I am thankful that they don't give up on you. I am so blessed to have my friends. I'm thankful that they have been patient with me and have waited for me and not left when the going got rough.
Thankful Thing #2
I am thankful that the weather is starting to turn colder. I'm not ready for snow, but I do love that I am getting to wear a sweater or hoodie in the evenings. Now, I just need a good book and a cup of coffee and it will be a perfect fall evening!
For so long I've been held back and down by my various family issues. I've tried to overcome them and to move past them. Certain family members and my friends have tried and tried to get me to move past it all. They don't mean that I forget what has happened or to not learn from it. Rather they mean that I need to not allow it to control me. I would try and try to do this. I would find a little portion of my stubborn side and decide that I was tired of my situations controlling me. However, it would only be a matter of a day or two (sometimes just a matter of hours) and I was back in the same place and sometimes further down.
I thought I was doing so well at not letting it control me. I thought that the smile on my face would be enough effort that some people wouldn't ask what was going on. My close friends knew though. They could tell by my tone of voice and some of them could tell through the tone of a text. I was doing a miserable job of not letting it control me. Even in the midst of it, if you caught me on an off day, I might admit it. I didn't want to admit, again, that the situation was controlling me. I didn't want to admit that being able to talk to friends or hang out with them was being affected by my depression. I thought that I was doing enough to keep the two worlds separate. I came face to face with that reality though every time a phone call with my best friend K ended up with me in almost hysterical tears (usually accompanied by me lying on my bed curled up as tight as I could). Or having to get off the phone with my other best friend B (yes, I have two :)) because I was crying and didn't want to cry on the phone to him......again.
While there have been times where I have questioned moving away from my family, I know that it was the best thing for me. I finally, now, feel the best I have felt in quite a while. I don't feel the heaviness that once was there. I'm not naieve enough to think that it won't attempt to creep back in, but right now, I'm relishing the fact that it's gone.
Sunday, while I was at church, I let it go. Don't ask me why Sunday was different. It just was. So many other times, I have wanted to let go, have said that I let go, but I didn't. There were times when, while I know that it was tearing me up and I was miserable, those feelings were comfortable to me. I knew what to expect, there were no sharp edges or unexpected things around the corners. However, all of those feelings and situations playing through my head and my heart were holding me back. I wasn't able to LIVE.
I used to be that girl that loved the random road trip with the unexpected stops. I loved going to a movie at 10:30 even though I had to be at work the next morning. I laughed....ALOT! I once followed my roommates through Walmart carrying a small poinsettia as a wedding bouquet (complete with the typical walk down the aisle). I love to have fun. I love to live. That disappeared though with my depression and the surrounding situations. I became someone that didn't really like to go anywhere. I wasn't agoraphobic, but I did prefer to stay home or in places I was very comfortable with. Nothing could happen if I stayed home. Nothing could bother me if I was in a comfortable place. That was a horrible lie to tell myself, as it was disproved many times. Not now though.
I am not pretending that I won't have down moments. I am not pretending that there could be some down days. I am feeling though that those times will be few and far between. I am feeling that the fun and playful me is coming back. It's hard work, not just for me, but for those around me. I know that they have wanted the playful side of me to come back....for a long time. I've wanted that part of me back too. I feel that I'm finding it now. I feel like I can LIVE now.
Find a way to LIVE. Find a way to let go of what's holding you back. If how I'm feeling in just the past few days is any indication, the fun me is coming back. I want that for you. I know you can find it, I know it is there. Don't give up!
Thankful Thing #1
I am thankful for friends. I am thankful that they don't give up on you. I am so blessed to have my friends. I'm thankful that they have been patient with me and have waited for me and not left when the going got rough.
Thankful Thing #2
I am thankful that the weather is starting to turn colder. I'm not ready for snow, but I do love that I am getting to wear a sweater or hoodie in the evenings. Now, I just need a good book and a cup of coffee and it will be a perfect fall evening!
Monday, November 7, 2011
The Letter
As wordy as I can be at times, when it comes to confronting someone about an issue I have with them, I falter. I will readily admit this. There are times when I need to confront some one that writing a letter is the only option I have is to write a letter to get my point across. There have been times when I have been able to speak my mind and to say what I needed to say. However, those occasions were when the issue is so black and white, that I know there is no interpretation but what I'm confronting that person with. However, there are times when people have hurt you and they may not always see it that way that I struggle confronting them with it. I have found that writing a letter helps get my point across and gives the other person time to process my point of view and what I'm saying.
In seeking some counseling in dealing with what began as dealing with my father's lying, habits, and treatment of my family and developed into me having to deal with my mother and the issues I've had with her for quite a while. In dealing with all these issues, I have come to realize that she has been controlling my life for all my life, both with my permission and without. On Saturday, I was talking to my best friend, who encouraged me to seek counseling and then sought counseling for his own personal issues. He had gone to his counselor and the counselor had determined that he no longer needed regular counseling appointments. He told me that the counselor had explained that his need for counseling was to simply reset himself and his way of thinking. That got me to thinking, as his retelling of his appointments usually do, that if it was that simple, why had I not done that before. I began to think that I had written a letter to my mom and explained my position and thoughts. That was all I could and was the best I could do. I had to let it go. While sitting in church on Sunday morning, I came up with the following insights.
"I've written my letter. I've said my piece. I need to let go now. I need to move on past the malarkey. The malarkey is holding me back. My other relationships are hurting because I'm holding onto this crap. She's had control of my life for so long. I can't keep letting her control me like this. If she doesn't want to talk about it, that's her problem, not mine. I've done the right thing. I went to her and told her how I'm feeling. I didn't blame her 100%, but I did make my point. I drew boundaries. If she doesn't like that or respect that, that's not my problem. I need to let go!! I have to let go! I have to do this to improve me. My emotional & mental health depend on me letting go. She CANNOT have control anymore. Allowing her to bring me down at this point is my fault and my fault alone."
I'm not cured. I'm not delusional. But, I already feel a great weight being lifted from coming to this conclusion.
Know that confronting your issues, whatever they are, is not easy, but it is necessary. I'm speaking from a place of knowing that there is still a lot of work to be done for me to be "better", but I am willing to do the work. I have to look at it realistically. I want a wonderful life with a husband and kids. To obtain these things, I have to get better, I have to deal with all of this.
In seeking some counseling in dealing with what began as dealing with my father's lying, habits, and treatment of my family and developed into me having to deal with my mother and the issues I've had with her for quite a while. In dealing with all these issues, I have come to realize that she has been controlling my life for all my life, both with my permission and without. On Saturday, I was talking to my best friend, who encouraged me to seek counseling and then sought counseling for his own personal issues. He had gone to his counselor and the counselor had determined that he no longer needed regular counseling appointments. He told me that the counselor had explained that his need for counseling was to simply reset himself and his way of thinking. That got me to thinking, as his retelling of his appointments usually do, that if it was that simple, why had I not done that before. I began to think that I had written a letter to my mom and explained my position and thoughts. That was all I could and was the best I could do. I had to let it go. While sitting in church on Sunday morning, I came up with the following insights.
"I've written my letter. I've said my piece. I need to let go now. I need to move on past the malarkey. The malarkey is holding me back. My other relationships are hurting because I'm holding onto this crap. She's had control of my life for so long. I can't keep letting her control me like this. If she doesn't want to talk about it, that's her problem, not mine. I've done the right thing. I went to her and told her how I'm feeling. I didn't blame her 100%, but I did make my point. I drew boundaries. If she doesn't like that or respect that, that's not my problem. I need to let go!! I have to let go! I have to do this to improve me. My emotional & mental health depend on me letting go. She CANNOT have control anymore. Allowing her to bring me down at this point is my fault and my fault alone."
I'm not cured. I'm not delusional. But, I already feel a great weight being lifted from coming to this conclusion.
Know that confronting your issues, whatever they are, is not easy, but it is necessary. I'm speaking from a place of knowing that there is still a lot of work to be done for me to be "better", but I am willing to do the work. I have to look at it realistically. I want a wonderful life with a husband and kids. To obtain these things, I have to get better, I have to deal with all of this.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Why would I think that?
Suicide. I hate the word. I hate the thought. I would never commit the act myself. It saddens me when I hear of people that feel that's the only way out of their troubles. If I'm honest, I have always thought, "How bad could things be for someone to feel that suicide is the only answer?" Until earlier this year that is. Throughout the whole ordeal that I have been dealing with with my parents, I've been able to keep my chin up, or so I thought. In May, for wahtever reasons (I'm still not 100% sure what the trigger was) I found myself thinking that maybe life would just be better if I wasn't here. I've never found myself in that place before. I've always been able to handle my issues, eventually, but never have I been there before.
It's not an enjoyable place to be....at all. I don't enjoy the thoughts that are in your brain when you're in that place. I know for me I feel, at times. that my trying to deal with my situation and the feelings that have come up because of it, are too much for my friends. I feel that they did not sign up for all of this. That it's too much for them. Maybe this was a contributing factor to it all. I'm still not sure. I know, though, that I was scared that those thoughts even popped into my head. I was scared at thr ramifications the thoughts held. Would my friends still want to be friends with me? Would they still love me? Would they be nervous to be around me knowing that I've felt this way before? I am so happy to say that of all the friends I have privately shared this with, not a single one has left me. Not a single friend has spoken ill of me. They have all been so encouraging and loving. They have all loved me through it. I am sure that they don't understand even part of it, but they haven't left me.
If anyone is reading this, I hope that I can to some degree encourage you. I hope that you can find a way to speak with someone. I hope that you can find a hotline to call and talk to someone. I hope that you understand that I am not telling you things will be fixed with one phone call. I'm not going to lie, its not easy at all. But, if you're willing, you can begin to work through it all. Suicide is not the solution. It does not fix things. So many people are hurt by your actions. Think about the people you love, that love you, you're leaving behind. They love you, they want to help you and probably don't realize you're hurting the way you are. Talk to soemone!
Thankful Thing:
I've got one Thankful Thing today. I am so thankful for my friends. I am so thankful that they love me despite my issues. They have proven unconditional love to me at times when my family hasn't. Without my friends, I don't know what I would do to get through each day. I don't know how I could cope with each new thing that comes up, each new feeling that shows itself. They are so priceless! I wouldn't want to put a price on them even if I had to. Everyone is biased to their own friends, but mine truly are the best!
It's not an enjoyable place to be....at all. I don't enjoy the thoughts that are in your brain when you're in that place. I know for me I feel, at times. that my trying to deal with my situation and the feelings that have come up because of it, are too much for my friends. I feel that they did not sign up for all of this. That it's too much for them. Maybe this was a contributing factor to it all. I'm still not sure. I know, though, that I was scared that those thoughts even popped into my head. I was scared at thr ramifications the thoughts held. Would my friends still want to be friends with me? Would they still love me? Would they be nervous to be around me knowing that I've felt this way before? I am so happy to say that of all the friends I have privately shared this with, not a single one has left me. Not a single friend has spoken ill of me. They have all been so encouraging and loving. They have all loved me through it. I am sure that they don't understand even part of it, but they haven't left me.
If anyone is reading this, I hope that I can to some degree encourage you. I hope that you can find a way to speak with someone. I hope that you can find a hotline to call and talk to someone. I hope that you understand that I am not telling you things will be fixed with one phone call. I'm not going to lie, its not easy at all. But, if you're willing, you can begin to work through it all. Suicide is not the solution. It does not fix things. So many people are hurt by your actions. Think about the people you love, that love you, you're leaving behind. They love you, they want to help you and probably don't realize you're hurting the way you are. Talk to soemone!
Thankful Thing:
I've got one Thankful Thing today. I am so thankful for my friends. I am so thankful that they love me despite my issues. They have proven unconditional love to me at times when my family hasn't. Without my friends, I don't know what I would do to get through each day. I don't know how I could cope with each new thing that comes up, each new feeling that shows itself. They are so priceless! I wouldn't want to put a price on them even if I had to. Everyone is biased to their own friends, but mine truly are the best!
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Saturday
It's Saturday. I have a Saturday to spend with my best friend watching movies and doing nothing. I am very excited about this! Since last night, we've already watched four movies and are on our fifth. I've needed some days like this. It's been a stressful week this week. I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of not feeling settled, and I'm tired of each situation in my life being so crazy and unstable.
I posted the other day about perspective. Maybe what I've needed is perspective. A little perspective may help in my situation. Its hard to maintain perspective when things keep piling on and you feel like you can't keep your head above water. There are days that are spend feeling as if I'm drowning, as if I'm floating along in life completely alone even though I'm around friends so much of the time. It feels that I can't explain what I'm feeling or what I'm going on in my brain. No one feels what I'm feeling. No one can understand what's going on with my life. People's stories are similar and we can commiserate somewhat due to similarities in circumstances, but no one knows what I'm feeling. My perspective right now is very self-centered. I understand that. I know that I'm focusing on me right now. It feels like I need to protect myself right now. I now that I have walls up and don't want to let people in like I should, even people that I'm good friends with, but I think that's part of my perspective. I need to refocus, I think. It will take some thinking about.
Thankful Thing #1
I am so thankful for my nieces. They make me smile just looking at pictures of them. I miss them terribly, and miss talking to them as much and hearing their voices. I can't wait to see them at Christmas! They are so funny!
Thankful Thing #2
I am thankful that I had seven months with my grandmother before she passed away. I don't know what I would have done if I had still been in Texas when she passed. I miss her everyday, some days more than others. I miss that she listened without talking over me. I miss that she could tell in my voice if I'd had a bad day. I miss being able to just talk to her. I'm so thankful that she was my grandma.
Thankful Thing #3
I am thankful for sunsets. Its trite, I understand. But I am so thankful that each night there are not clouds in the sky, I can see such beautiful colors and patterns in the sky that no earthly artist could ever make. I am so thankful that a sunset makes me remember that a new day is coming. Each sunset means I've lived another day and what kind of difference did I make in that day? Who did I help?
I can stand in awe each evening at each sunset and the colors that are produced. So many evenings, I wish I could just curl up with a cup of coffee, a snuggle buddy and watch the sunset until the only color in the sky is black.
I posted the other day about perspective. Maybe what I've needed is perspective. A little perspective may help in my situation. Its hard to maintain perspective when things keep piling on and you feel like you can't keep your head above water. There are days that are spend feeling as if I'm drowning, as if I'm floating along in life completely alone even though I'm around friends so much of the time. It feels that I can't explain what I'm feeling or what I'm going on in my brain. No one feels what I'm feeling. No one can understand what's going on with my life. People's stories are similar and we can commiserate somewhat due to similarities in circumstances, but no one knows what I'm feeling. My perspective right now is very self-centered. I understand that. I know that I'm focusing on me right now. It feels like I need to protect myself right now. I now that I have walls up and don't want to let people in like I should, even people that I'm good friends with, but I think that's part of my perspective. I need to refocus, I think. It will take some thinking about.
Thankful Thing #1
I am so thankful for my nieces. They make me smile just looking at pictures of them. I miss them terribly, and miss talking to them as much and hearing their voices. I can't wait to see them at Christmas! They are so funny!
Thankful Thing #2
I am thankful that I had seven months with my grandmother before she passed away. I don't know what I would have done if I had still been in Texas when she passed. I miss her everyday, some days more than others. I miss that she listened without talking over me. I miss that she could tell in my voice if I'd had a bad day. I miss being able to just talk to her. I'm so thankful that she was my grandma.
Thankful Thing #3
I am thankful for sunsets. Its trite, I understand. But I am so thankful that each night there are not clouds in the sky, I can see such beautiful colors and patterns in the sky that no earthly artist could ever make. I am so thankful that a sunset makes me remember that a new day is coming. Each sunset means I've lived another day and what kind of difference did I make in that day? Who did I help?
I can stand in awe each evening at each sunset and the colors that are produced. So many evenings, I wish I could just curl up with a cup of coffee, a snuggle buddy and watch the sunset until the only color in the sky is black.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Is this the bottom?
I have been struggling with depression for almost a year now. I have hit what I thought was the bottom several times. There has even been a time when I thought that it would be better if I wasn't around. Mind you, I would never go that route and it scared the living tar out of me when I thought it. Let me give you some background. I am 32 years old and am a recent "re-transplant" to the Dallas area. I lived here for seven years from 2001-2008. I taught 3rd grade and loved it. However, my grandmother was very very sick and I needed a break from teaching. I moved back to St. Louis and back into my parents' house for these reasons. My grandmother passed the January after I moved back to the Lou. Six months later, my world as I knew it crumbled around me. I found out that my family was essentially poor. We hadn't ever been wealthy by any stretch of the imagination, I don't mean to mislead you. However, all the money (and then some it seems) had been gambled away. Long story short, pure hell followed in the wake of this information being revealed. After that came the manipulation and more lies. It all became too much for me. At the advice of good friends, I moved into an apartment and attempted to live life with my family on the verge of the dreaded "D" word. No, not Dallas, diva, or dodo-head. Divorce. I grew up being taught that this was not right, and still hold to the idea that there are very few circumstances that constitute divorce. This was the ever looming threat in my family. Stressful is maybe a light term for what I felt, but I don't know a better word to use to describe it, so stressful it is.
Throughout all of the stuff going on, it appears that I began to withdraw from my friends and my family. I managed to hold it all together through my sister's wedding, but then things really began to crumble after that. Around Christmas time of last year, I made the trip to my doctor's office with concerns that I was battling depression, worse than what I could pull myself out of, and needed help. I was prescribed medicine, and have been working on dialing that in and trying to get that to help as much as it will. I have periodically (read as time and money allow) gone to a counselor in an attempt to help relieve the depression and to learn how to manage it. I can say that some things have really stuck and worked, others have not.
Long story short, too late I know! I find myself again hitting a brick wall and attempting to face adversity head on. I really really just want something to work out. I want a plan to work. I want something to finally fall into place. I feel that I am doing all that I can to ensure financial success (or as much of it as I can obtain). The roadblocks keep coming around and rearing their ugly heads. I keep running head long into ways that I am trying to do things right or better and encountering the fact that, yet again, it won't be that easy. Through the advice of a friend (more specifically advice she was given and then gave to me), I need to focus on what is working. I need to stop and take notice of what I'm thankful for, for what is working for me right now. I find it much easier to focus on the hard stuff and on the roadblocks. I'm not going to pretend that I will be perfect at it. I will struggle every day with this concept. However, I'm willing to work on it. Hopefully, I will get stronger and my other relationships will get stronger through this.
Thankful thing #1
Friends - I have GREAT friends. That's right, GREAT not just good friends. They put up with my mood swings (good night nurse when these things are due to hormones not just circumstances!) and still, they are here! I truly don't know what I would do without them. I feel that I take them for granted at times, but I do my best to show them how much I love and appreciate them. So pretty much I'm telling the whole world how great my friends are!
Thankful thing #2
Job- While money is a great cause of my worry, stress, and evidently depression right now, I am very thankful for my job. I wanted to get back into teaching when I came back to Dallas, but found few jobs and many hoops to jump through to get them. I feel very fortunate to have found a job where I can help people learn and better themselves each day. I enjoy the one on one atmosphere of the tutoring I do each day. Even more simply put, I am glad that I have a job that pays me money. There are so many people out there that do not. I would be remiss to not put this thankful thing in its most simple terms.
Thankful thing #3
This is my introduction to you. It is now 3:00 in the morning, and at some point I should probably attempt to sleep. My eyes are swollen from crying and I am now feeling emotionally tired. I hope that in some way, I have encouraged you to be thankful, not just this month, but everyday. Look with me for the little things each day that you can be thankful for. They have to be there, I guess we need to search purposefully each day.
Throughout all of the stuff going on, it appears that I began to withdraw from my friends and my family. I managed to hold it all together through my sister's wedding, but then things really began to crumble after that. Around Christmas time of last year, I made the trip to my doctor's office with concerns that I was battling depression, worse than what I could pull myself out of, and needed help. I was prescribed medicine, and have been working on dialing that in and trying to get that to help as much as it will. I have periodically (read as time and money allow) gone to a counselor in an attempt to help relieve the depression and to learn how to manage it. I can say that some things have really stuck and worked, others have not.
Long story short, too late I know! I find myself again hitting a brick wall and attempting to face adversity head on. I really really just want something to work out. I want a plan to work. I want something to finally fall into place. I feel that I am doing all that I can to ensure financial success (or as much of it as I can obtain). The roadblocks keep coming around and rearing their ugly heads. I keep running head long into ways that I am trying to do things right or better and encountering the fact that, yet again, it won't be that easy. Through the advice of a friend (more specifically advice she was given and then gave to me), I need to focus on what is working. I need to stop and take notice of what I'm thankful for, for what is working for me right now. I find it much easier to focus on the hard stuff and on the roadblocks. I'm not going to pretend that I will be perfect at it. I will struggle every day with this concept. However, I'm willing to work on it. Hopefully, I will get stronger and my other relationships will get stronger through this.
Thankful thing #1
Friends - I have GREAT friends. That's right, GREAT not just good friends. They put up with my mood swings (good night nurse when these things are due to hormones not just circumstances!) and still, they are here! I truly don't know what I would do without them. I feel that I take them for granted at times, but I do my best to show them how much I love and appreciate them. So pretty much I'm telling the whole world how great my friends are!
Thankful thing #2
Job- While money is a great cause of my worry, stress, and evidently depression right now, I am very thankful for my job. I wanted to get back into teaching when I came back to Dallas, but found few jobs and many hoops to jump through to get them. I feel very fortunate to have found a job where I can help people learn and better themselves each day. I enjoy the one on one atmosphere of the tutoring I do each day. Even more simply put, I am glad that I have a job that pays me money. There are so many people out there that do not. I would be remiss to not put this thankful thing in its most simple terms.
Thankful thing #3
This is my introduction to you. It is now 3:00 in the morning, and at some point I should probably attempt to sleep. My eyes are swollen from crying and I am now feeling emotionally tired. I hope that in some way, I have encouraged you to be thankful, not just this month, but everyday. Look with me for the little things each day that you can be thankful for. They have to be there, I guess we need to search purposefully each day.
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