Live

It seems like a simple thought.  Live.  I do that everyday.  I wake up.  I take a shower.  I go to work.  I hang out with friends.  I go to bed.  I live....right?  I mean live as in not being held back or held down by the drama in your life.  I can only speak on this from experience.
For so long I've been held back and down by my various family issues.  I've tried to overcome them and to move past them.  Certain family members and my friends have tried and tried to get me to move past it all.  They don't mean that I forget what has happened or to not learn from it.   Rather they mean that I need to not allow it to control me.  I would try and try to do this.  I would find a little portion of my stubborn side and decide that I was tired of my situations controlling me.  However, it would only be a matter of a day or two (sometimes just a matter of hours) and I was back in the same place and sometimes further down. 
I thought I was doing so well at not letting it control me.  I thought that the smile on my face would be enough effort that some people wouldn't ask what was going on.  My close friends knew though.  They could tell by my tone of voice and some of them could tell through the tone of a text.  I was doing a miserable job of not letting it control me.  Even in the midst of it, if you caught me on an off day, I might admit it.  I didn't want to admit, again, that the situation was controlling me.  I didn't want to admit that being able to talk to friends or hang out with them was being affected by my depression.  I thought that I was doing enough to keep the two worlds separate.  I came face to face with that reality though every time a phone call with my best friend K ended up with me in almost hysterical tears (usually accompanied by me lying on my bed curled up as tight as I could).  Or having to get off the phone with my other best friend B (yes, I have two :)) because I was crying and didn't want to cry on the phone to him......again.
While there have been times where I have questioned moving away from my family, I know that it was the best thing for me.  I finally, now, feel the best I have felt in quite a while.  I don't feel the heaviness that once was there.  I'm not naieve enough to think that it won't attempt to creep back in, but right now, I'm relishing the fact that it's gone.
Sunday, while I was at church, I let it go.  Don't ask me why Sunday was different.  It just was.  So many other times, I have wanted to let go, have said that I let go, but I didn't.  There were times when, while I know that it was tearing me up and I was miserable, those feelings were comfortable to me.  I knew what to expect, there were no sharp edges or unexpected things around the corners.  However, all of those feelings and situations playing through my head and my heart were holding me back.  I wasn't able to LIVE.
I used to be that girl that loved the random road trip with the unexpected stops.  I loved going to a movie at 10:30 even though I had to be at work the next morning.  I laughed....ALOT!  I once followed my roommates through Walmart carrying a small poinsettia as a wedding bouquet (complete with the typical walk down the aisle).  I love to have fun.  I love to live.  That disappeared though with my depression and the surrounding situations.  I became someone that didn't really like to go anywhere.  I wasn't agoraphobic, but I did prefer to stay home or in places I was very comfortable with.  Nothing could happen if I stayed home.  Nothing could bother me if I was in a comfortable place.  That was a horrible lie to tell myself, as it was disproved many times.  Not now though.
I am not pretending that I won't have down moments.  I am not pretending that there could be some down days.  I am feeling though that those times will be few and far between.  I am feeling that the fun and playful me is coming back.  It's hard work, not just for me, but for those around me.  I know that they have wanted the playful side of me to come back....for a long time.  I've wanted that part of me back too.  I feel that I'm finding it now.  I feel like I can LIVE now.
Find a way to LIVE.  Find a way to let go of what's holding you back.  If how I'm feeling in just the past few days is any indication, the fun me is coming back.  I want that for you.  I know you can find it, I know it is there.  Don't give up!

Thankful Thing #1
I am thankful for friends.  I am thankful that they don't give up on you.  I am so blessed to have my friends.  I'm thankful that they have been patient with me and have waited for me and not left when the going got rough.

Thankful Thing #2
I am thankful that the weather is starting to turn colder.  I'm not ready for snow, but I do love that I am getting to wear a sweater or hoodie in the evenings.  Now, I just need a good book and a cup of coffee and it will be a perfect fall evening!